Doubt

Lately I have been doubting whether or not it is really possible to have a relationship with God. Lately in prayer I have felt like a fool, like I have been talking to air all the time. Like a crazy person.

So I count it a blessing that today in class my Bible teacher, Mr. Brink, tackled the topic of "doubt." He submitted to his students that, for the Christian, to struggle with doubt is a good thing, that for the Christian to doubt his salvation, his faith in Christ, is a mark of a true Christian and that it shows that he "cares" about what he believes. Struggling with doubt implies a certain desperation and reverence. Struggles are good.

I know that deep in my heart I believe that, that to struggle with doubt is a good thing.

But I still feel like everything I have been living for, everything I have been taught since birth, everything I have ever loved, all my "prayers," all the times I have tried to witness to people...is all rubbish! And I am scared! I hate it! I feel like my "skeptic" friends may have it down when they say there is no difference really between people saying "I hope...etc" and "I pray...etc." I know without a doubt that there is a God. But I feel as though He is impersonal... I long to be able to say, "I have a relationship with God. I know the King of the Universe." And I know without a doubt that Jesus Christ of Nazareth did literally, bodily and spiritually, resurrect Himself from the dead. I know that He is God the Son. I am just doubting whether I really do know Him, or whether or not it is even possible to really know Him.

What does it even mean to know Jesus? Does it mean that through denying yourself and living humbly and loving your neighbors and seeking righteousness...through doing these things do you begin to know Jesus? Because that's how Jesus lived? Wouldn't that then mean that to know him just means to try to feel for Him? I want to feel like so many have seemed to feel, as though He is right there with me, holding my hand, talking to me. But no! I feel like I just feel good by trying to live like Him and it's not a relationship at all! I feel like it is completely one-sided. Like I'm doing everything, and "prayers answered" are just by chance. As if nonbelievers who merely "hope" and believers who "pray" are really no different. I want so bad to have a real relationship with Jesus, with God. And I want so bad to know that my prayers really are not just me venting to the air.

I just want Him. And I want to understand and know Him. Not just try to empathize with Him, but really to know Him. Like I know my friends Richard, and Seth, and Anna, etc. I want to know Him better than I know them, like the Bible says I can. It's just not happening with me and I don't know what's up.

I just want to know Him. I just want to walk and talk with Him, and hold his hand, and see His face.

Perhaps they are right when they say that people pray to "work things out." To vent. That it's a healthy way to understand yourself. I'm just not sure, to be honest. Like I said, I'm in such doubt. And though it may be a good thing for me to be wrestling with this, it sure as hell doesn't feel like it.

I'm supposed to face suffering with joy--with the "presence of Christ." How do I face doubting my relationship with Christ with His presence, when I'm not even sure if He is present?

I'm sorry, I know this must be hard to read. It must be really depressing. Just pray for me I guess. And if you know something I don't, about having a real personal relationship with Christ that doesn't involve sharing all your feelings out loud to yourself or just reading the Bible or loving others--or if I'm just doing all these things the wrong way-- please help me.

I want to know you

I want to hear your voice...

I want to touch you

I want to see your face...