A Dream Both Pleasant and Horrifying

So I had some weird dreams last night. And I've committed to sharing everything on this life, and sometimes things are just going to be plain awkward, because our brains are weird. We're all just very weird people, and the sooner we learn to accept and respect that, the better it will all be. For all of us. So anyway, yeah. Weird, weird, weird dream last night. It's hard to go into detail, because I can only remember little things, the rest of it is pretty foggy. I know that in the dream I woke up and it was snowing (which is weird because this morning I actually did wake up to a completely white world outside--maybe I had woken up earlier and saw the snow and then dreamed about it? Oh well, who knows. In the first episode of the dream, it snowed, and I received a text message from that girl. It said to that we were still hanging out despite the snow or the icy streets...and to meet her at the Eiffel Tower...? I remember smiling at that because I new she was just being her wonderful, goofy self. And then somewhere in there the dream switched from that place and time to another place and time, where I was driving in the car with my good friend Anna...and I remember saying something to her, I think it was probably about me wanting to take her out on a date or something, and she wanted to (just because I could tell she wanted to--I dunno) but she said no, and it was really a very pleasant part of the dream. And then...episode three....the creepy part. With demons and dementia and....I dunno what the hell else. Here goes. So I'm in this smoky, foggy, dark place, me and an unnamed friend (?), and there are all these people with masks, scary and distorted faces, laughing and talking...I have no idea what they're saying. But I know they are evil people, maybe even demons...but at the same time, I stay there. Willingly. There are masked men and women taking in all sorts of drugs...and there are some people even having sex on the game tables. And they're all laughing. There might have even been heavy hypnotic music. And then there was this clown/jester girl, who wasn't wearing a mask....but she was sitting there, kicking her feet back and forth and tossing her head side to side, mocking me and laughing at me, and I don't even remember where my unnamed friend played a part in all this...all I know is that he was there. Then a feeling came over me that this was Satan's, or some dark demon's, layer. And I wanted to get out. Then some man came up behind me and sweet-talked me and grabbed me and raped me. And then before I knew it I was out of there. Like, I didn't run out of there or anything...I was just all the sudden in this dark corridor. And I was running, and crying "I renounce you Satan! I renounce you!" over and over again, "In the name of Jesus Christ I renounce you!" And then I woke up.

"forgotten"

a cup sits lonely on the table unused,

filled with water to offer to someone's lips, someone.

and for days it sits and gathers dust.

and for weeks,

and for months,

and for years,

until one day comes a man and sits down,

dressed in tattered cotton,

beaten by men and the weather,

abandoned,

thirsty, forgotten...

drinks of the forgotten,

to their fulfillment

Feelings

Feelings. What are they? Where do they come from? How do they come to be? I don't know. I don't think anybody knows. You can't define them, you can't explain them, they just are. They're just there. And you have to just accept them for what they are. You have to revere them, ya know? Have a certain respect for them. Because they're your feelings. Don't belittle that. And if you fight them, chances are you're going to lose. Rarely do you win when it's your brain versus your feelings. And if you surrender to them even, you might lose. My point is, you need to respect yourself. Your feelings, your desires, your likes and dislikes, your thoughts, your dreams and nightmares...you need to respect them. Don't try to kill them and don't try to exalt them. Just accept them. Accept yourself for who you are. Don't love yourself, don't hate yourself. Accept and respect. So if you like someone, or if you love someone, don't think, "I shouldn't like her," or "I shouldn't like him." Don't care either about what someone will think if you date or befriend someone whom they don't particularly care for. Just do what you think you should. And that means that, unless it goes explicitly against what God has commanded, against his Law, you need to be the person He made you to be, like the person He has given you desires for. Because your life is beautiful and unique, and when you resist it, you only make it ugly. Don't overanalyze things or people or situations, but respect and accept them. I'm not saying that if you have the desire to go have sex with a person, you shouldn't resist it, by all means, we are told to struggle with temptations and trials. But in places in your life where it obviously isn't a right or wrong thing, like having feelings for someone, or liking a certain activity, or whatever, accept that. Respect that. And have the great adventure called life. And I'm saying all this now because these are things I need to deal with in my own life. I need to get rid of this insecurity, and accept and respect the feelings I have and the things I like, and not worry about what others think. I need to have the great adventure called life. This is all kind of...scattered. But I hope and pray that this helps whoever reads this. Even if it is a little scattered. Yourself. Just be that, and I promise you, your life will be so much more exciting. Have the great adventure called life. And that can't happen if you're not yourself.

Oh and by the way, check out the poem, "Scatter-brain Sweetness" by Rumi. It's great.

Grace Like Rain

It was a good day. Truly. A day of revelation and beauty. The gray sky and the misty rain made me feel so alive and so good... The air was cool and those nose pipe thangs...those breathin' thangs...were open more so than usual...and I felt like I was being brought back to life from some state of soul sleep...awakening for the first time in a thousand days to God's awesome majestic beauty. I could feel Him! He was holding my hand as I walked from the computer building at my school to Eagle Hall...and I must have been smiling funny, because when I said, "Hey" to every single person and "I'm having a great day!" and "It's so gorgeous outside!" they all looked at me like I was nuts (You're NUTS man.). I feel so loved and so special that the Lord should give me of all people such a good day and allow me to walk with Him like that... I want others to feel that. Others like me, who are so gross and sick and perverted in sin. They need this kind of day. We all need it, I think, all the time. We just need to try our best to stay awake.

And then in the art room during study hall I had a cool thought (that kind of thing always happens after an experience like that). See, first you feel it. Then you want that exact feeling again, you try to get it back... But you find that it's impossible. You just cannot re-obtain it. So you start to think about what just happened. And that's what I did. And this was basically it: How cool and creative is God to give us humans "degrees!" Not degrees in temperature, though those are certainly something... But degrees. Like "soft" and "softer," or "hard" and "harder." The cool misty rain was what made me think about this. Usually I think, "Gosh, I really don't like rain." But now I'm thinking, oh wait, it's not rain I don't like, it's just certain degrees of rain I don't particularly care for...like when it's pouring down like arrows. But when it's soft and misty...I love it. God is so amazing. That He thought of degrees...That he knew that this misty day would come and I would have that experience...millions of years before it even happened. How amazing! How glorious! How beautiful! How electrifying and good and indescribable! How scintillating!* There are no words capable of expressing fully how much I love Him. I really do love Him.

Hallelujah! Grace like rain falls down on me!

...And all my stains are washed away.

*-learned that word today! go look it up, it's freaking awesome.

Life is Beautiful

Lately life has been strange.
Life is obviously strange, so that seems like a dumb thing to say.
One thing strange is the way I've been.
I have a paper in Bible I'm supposed to have turned in Monday,
and I haven't even finished it yet.
It's not out of a rebellious spirit, either.
It's just that I can't focus. Literally.
Anytime and everytime I try to type the thing, I just...go away.
My mind. Goes away. And I don't know what to do.
I'm afraid it's futile.
On the other hand, I have been very inspired lately.
I met a really cool person, and we're getting to be friends,
and I like the way she says things. A lot.
I love every word that comes out of her brain.
I like her style a lot, too. She's like a kid. A crazy cool kid
who is a lot wiser than me though she doesn't know it,
and who is nice. Like Eternal Sunshine.
Who doesn't have a lot of confidence in herself.
Who knows what beauty is and has always had a secret to desire to be an actress.
Who likes to create.
We have actually only hung out once. Sort of. In an intellectual group setting.
All our good conversation has been via text. We were going to go get coffee Saturday and go to Davis Kidd and pick our favorite books and talk about why they're our favorites.
But then I remembered I had been asked to the Valentines Dance,
so I had to cancel.
But I think we will for sure hang out.
I really hope so. I like her.
She said I give very good advice. I'm glad she thinks that because really all I want to do is help people.
And I especially want to help her.
She loves Jesus like crazy. I like that like crazy.
I love Jesus, too. I want righteousness so, so bad.
And I think she does, too.
So we'll just see how things go. Maybe we'll just be friends.
And ya know what? I'll be okay.
And maybe we'll be more,
and if so, I'll be okay. I just want to live the life God wants for me.
And I want the same for her.
So anyway, I picked up John Calvin's "Golden Booklet of the True Christian Life" last night, first thing I've read by him.
That's funny, I think, considering I'm the son of Reformed Presbyterian pastor,
raised Presbyterian and all.
John Calvin's practically been a common household name.
And he's good stuff, I gotta say.
His stuff is simple and to the point, but hard-hitting and convicting.
One thing he wrote that sticks out to me is this:
"Christians ought to detest those who have the gospel on their lips, and not in their hearts."
I posted that on Facebook and two people were like, "Christians shouldn't detest anybody."
And I completely agree with them.
I'd even go as far to say that the true Follower of Jesus is incapable of hate.
After all, hate is unrepentant hostility, unrelenting malice.
And sure a believer can struggle with not loving fully somebody-
I know I sure do.
But a true believer is repentant of his sin, because the Holy Spirit has made him aware, convicted him, of his sin.
The true believer wants more than anything to love fully.
The true believer wants more than anything to be righteouss.
The true believer cannot hate.
And we have a right I think to be angry with people who say they love Jesus with all their heart, and then live unrepentant self-serving lives.
And that's what I think John Calvin meant when he said we should "detest" people like that.
Because they hurt God, and they hurt other people, by giving Jesus, the only good person, a really bad name.
I cry for Jesus. I really do.
I cry about my sin. I can't believe how messed up I am.
If people only knew just how bad I was...
...I think I'd have less friends.
Only two of my friends know the depths of my heart,
and they love me ruthlessly.
And hopefully one day, I'll meet somebody like me, who has hurt like I have hurt,
and I will be able to say to them, "Hey, it's okay. I was just like you. But I changed. And if I can do it, you can for sure."
I just want Jesus.
I want to hold his hand.
I want to look into his kind and loving eyes, and cry.
I want to talk to him, hear his voice...
I can't wait for Him to come back!
But I also want to get married first. And have kids. Lots of kids.
And I can't wait to help my wife raise kids who love Jesus hopefully more than we do.
But first, I have to meet her.
Who knows, maybe she's the girl I just met. Probably not.
Still, that would be very cool to say, "I met your mom when she was 16 and liked playing with sharpies."
"But Daddy, Mommy still likes to play with sharpies!"
Maybe...just maybe...
And I also have to go to college.
But before that I am doing the Center for Western Studies which I'm crazy about!
I can't wait! Just eight months away!
And hopefully through that program I will come to a better understanding of God
and His creation.
Hopefully I will gain more wisdom.
Hopefully I'll be able to sit down and talk to anyone about anything and everything.
Hopefully in my free time I'll be able to study God's Word with Him.
Prayerfully.
That's what I need to focus on right now I think.
Not so much school, though I know that is important.
But I need to focus on God and listen to what He has to teach me, and talk to Him.
I need to rebuild our relationship.
I want to!
So that's what I'm going to do.

This was taken by American photographer Irving Penn.

It's called "Girl Drinking."

Beauty in black and white

Steals my breath and sight

And I just want to drink

Infinity with you tonight

Thanks, Irving.