Pray for me

I haven't much to say on this thing, but I think it'll be good anyway to at least write something. So here's a little something for you, friends and stalkers alike.

I went to bed right when I got home from school yesterday afternoon, at about three. Woke up at two in the morning, and in the next several hours stayed up and watched four movies (illegally, I might add).

I later went over to David's house to help him and Richard and Samuel and Ben clean and set up for their show, to be starting at 6 (It actually started at about 8).

Animal Sounds was awesome, as were Jamie Randolph and his boys. Yep, both bands had me dancin' the entire time.

And then something I wasn't expecting.... Richard had just driven me home and we were sitting in the car, and he said to me, "I don't think you're a Christian." He wasn't judgmental about it, he was just being honest, as my friend.

It was weird because I thought he of all people would be the one to be saying, "JP's just going through a period of doubt. He's definitely the Lord's." But no. He told me he thinks I'm not a Christian, and while this thought has been in his head for the last three months, it just "solidified" tonight. I asked him why he felt this way and all these other questions... I was so shocked. I don't think I've ever been so caught off guard in my life...

He told me why. I won't go into details. But basically, he thinks I want to live in sin, and that while I'm looking and searching and all that, I have this agenda, that I am seeking to justify my sin...

Now I want to be a Christian, but I think I only want to be one so that I can be assured I'm not going to suffer eternally in hell when I die, and I think that's the wrong reason. Richard told me to ask myself if I really want to know God, or if I ever have... But I just don't know if that's possible. I can only read about him, and think about him, and cry to him, and yell at him, and pray to him... But can I know him? I don't know... Richard says he knows him, but I just don't know... I just don't know...

Please, please pray for me. If what you, Christian, follower of Christ, believe is true, pray for me. Because I don't want to suffer. I don't want to suffer.

To God, if you are the God of the Bible, and you are good as you say, prove it to me. Prove to me you're not to blame. If I am to blame God, prove that to me. And I will repent! I will repent! I will lay my life down and leave the hideous things of this world and I will follow you.